Old Friends

Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go…

Where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see, our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows your name…

Mr. Tidbits, so wigged out by the rats that had tried to grabble him and pull him down the well to their vile lair, had run back to town to summon Ruttiger—the Rat Catcher. Vowing never to re-enter the dungeon until every rat had been exterminated, Mr. Tidbit’s refused to return with him. And so instead, he remained in town, working on some esoteric physics thing involving higher math like long division. Meanwhile, our intrepid band beat feet back to the rat room…hmmm, do we want to really do this? “Well, we’re certainly not going to throw a silver coin down the well”, said Lo Dic…so Perrier…not really paying attention, thought Lo Dic had said throw a cpoin down the well…so he did….presto, instant rats! Tons of minion rats…one big ass dire rat…Ruttiger the Rat Cather was in his element…he quickly wailed on one…spearing it through and through…then leap over the rat swarm to attack the dire rat leader. Pork Cullis blasted through one rat with his mighty battle axe, spewing rat guts and blood everywhere. Not to be outdone in the disgusting acts department, Lo Dic went Ozzie Osborne on one of the poor, innocent rodents rolled a successful grapple check…bit the poor thing’s head off…and spit it at the dire rat leader [ok…it’s a rabbit biting the head off a chicken…but you have to admit it is 1. interesting and 2. at least evocative of the act…ok, maybe it does look like something else, but only if you have a dirty mind…]. Perrier, caught up in the moment, produced a flame and waved it over his head…thinking “wow, what an awesome concert this is...what’s that smell??” Then the fight got confusing…everyone trading blows and bites…shrugging off disease…until finally we triumphed…all the vile rats were dead. And then a great cry of anguish was heard...”oh noooooooooooooooo…..I forgot to “catch any” moaned Ruttiger.

Obviously this was great evil temple in the making…rough hewn sections…the well polished room…if only we could identify the etching in work (maybe we shouldn’t have killed the undead artist before his second life was over…)…who is that figure?…seems naggingly familiar…but just can’t place it…like its hanging their right on the outer edges of our memories…teasing us. And so, we shrugged our shoulders (resigned to the fact that all would be revealed in its proper time…it always is…such is the comfort of having a DM…) and headed further down deeper into the dungeon. Our wise leader Star Owl (full name Mas Orn sar thor col ail si shaerorer bol mia eistyl si caelael …which means Star Owl that flies high in the beautiful night sky amongst the heavens) decided that we should proceed down the long passageway—which was the only path we had not yet investigated. “How does he do that” Pork Cullis marveled, “He’s so smart, I never would have thought of that…”. “Well no duh”, muttered Loe Dic to himself, “anyone could have called that one, you can see the flow of the stone work…clearly this is meant to funnel people to the lower level. Elves…always think they are so smart”. “Ouch”, thought the startled Ruttiger, “Who just hit my head with an iron frying pan??!!” Clearly the years of spousal abuse had left him traumatized.

Then we happened upon an area of completed stone work. A large iron bound door blocked our way. After fruitless searches and listening, we gave up and opened the door. Aha! An evil temple…rows of statues of Gorgotha filled the chamber. If only this were D&D and we had ranks in knowledge arcana…or religion…or local…or something. Deploying in combat formation, we quickly spread throughout the room looking for action…and there it was…a huge snake slithering down the center of the room. And then battle was on…ranged weapons peppering from afar…melee fighters wading in to trade blow for blow. Then suddenly we were faced with three other snakes that spread throughout the room. Pork Cullis lasted one…smugly stating “That’s a DC 23 for the saving throw”…”I know I don’t need to keep saying it; but it is so satisfying…”. Perrier and Star Owl fought their own battles…Perrier happily singing away as he did

“O may Thy soldiers, faithful, true and bold,

Fight as the saints who nobly fought of old,

And win with them the victor’s crown of gold.

Alleluia, Alleluia!

And when the strife is fierce, the warfare long,

Steals on the ear the distant triumph song,

And hearts are brave, again, and arms are strong.

Alleluia, Alleluia!

Star Owl...now revealed as the mighty warrior that he was…turned his snake into a long pin cushion. Back in the major battle, things were not progressing well. Ruttiger scored a near critical hit, only to be grappled by the snake and almost staggered, stun, and disabled. Pork Cullis and Lo Dic simultaneously raised their axes…gaining additional attack bonuses using the dreaded “arm pit hair and smell attack”…and finally, the last snake was defeated. Star Owl, wanting harmony in the world, quickly healed Ruttiger. In the sudden silence of the post-battle, we gazed about the vile chamber…wondering who would have created a tribute to such a vile goddess as Gorgotha??? Failing to find any treasure in the room, we moved to the double doors at the far end…readying our actions, we swung them open…revealing the unholy alter chamber and two figures…

Slowly they turned…one, clearly a priest…though not quite right…too pale to be living (hmmm…and honestly, kind of flat)….he looked vaguely familiar, but still we couldn’t noodle it through. His apparent minion however looked very familiar…an undead bug bear zombie…”Oh yeah, just like the General…OMG!!! Look!!! It is the General…they put him back together! Then the unholy priest spoke, “You have killed my undead army!” [which then sparked a vigorous discussion between Pork Cullis and Perrier…army? That was no army…a couple of dozen zombie…a platoon maybe…really more like a squad heavy…but an army?? Come on]. “I am the favorite of Gorgotha, bow before her and Serve Meeeeeeeeeee”…OMG again….it’s Ubberoth! “Die foul blasphemer!” cried Star Owl, launching and arrow true and straight into the priest. Thinking the undead Ubberoth was the primary threat, we circled him and put the hurt on him. When we almost had him down, he suddenly launched some cyber-mind attack on Lo Dic…threatening to blew his head apart. Fortunately, a timely blow by…ummm, someone…killed the priest again. But the battle with our former friend the General was to prove no picnic. Despite being surrounded, he survived blow after blow…how can we kill this guy???!!! Where’s a hill giant when you need one???!!! Pork Cullis, swaggering in like the massive half-orc that he is, thought he was going to plaster the general…only to be plastered himself…unconscious and dying. Fortunately, Perrier (self loathing though he may be…) is a healing priest and he pulled Pork back from the edge of death. Then poor Ruttiger got blasted. Finally, Star Owl barreled into the room…torch in hand…and set the General afire. Perrier…recognizing the opportunity…cast Increase Fire and immolated the General…sheathing him in a curtain of flame…finally, between the fire and the thousands of cuts”, we brought the general to his knees…once again returning him to the peaceful death he had long sought.