Into the Belly of the Beast

In crossing salt marshes, your sole concern should be to get over them quickly, without any delay. If forced to fight in a salt-marsh, you should have water and grass near you, and get your back to a clump of trees. –Sun Tzu

Our party paused briefly after our short but violent encounter with the lizard men…would the alarm be raised…would we be exposed…tensely we floated in our canoes. But the bussing of insects and the dripping blood of lizard men was all we heard…our battle appeared to have gone unnoticed throughout the vast lake and its environs. We scanned the area with our spyglass…in the scattered lizard men encampments they appeared to be going about their business…in the large canted Bell Tower we could see the still forms of hobgoblin sentries. We held a short (ok…maybe too short) war council to determine our next steps…Django and Hortis—advocates of the sublime—wanted to fireball everything and go in shooting…Rin argued for waiting til nightfall and then sneaking in under cover of darkness…Fraenir split the difference and offered to fly in to conduct reconnaissance from above with the assistance of two potions of invisibility…and so, while the rest of the party sidled up to some low ruins, Fraenir disappeared and launched off on his mission.

His flight took him past the faded glory of Rhest…glorious statues of past heroes…now crusted with age and neglect. The former Bell Tower…slowly sinking into the muck was now canted at a wild angle. Clearly this was one of our enemy’s key sites—they had built a pier all around the outside at water level and had a few skiffs tied up. Swinging up and over the tower he had a perfect view of the hobgoblin sentries…four of them…one at each quadrant. They appeared to be more than your average hobgoblin, and well armed with composite longbows and more arrows than you could ever want. The old bell was still there, but appeared to be no longer functional (righttttttt). As he circled over head, he was also able to spy on the other large structure in the lake…this one too showed the faded glory of old Rhest…the pillars…the statues…the stonework that would make a dwarf weep…beauty that would make an elf long for the woodlands…grandeur that make a human think of vast treasure! This building too had a pier at waters edge…some long low structure attached…and other signs of habitation.

Fraenir…decided he had the opportunity to take out the sentries with a coup de grace…thereby ensuring our stealthy entry into the heart of Rhest. He landed on the edge of the Bell Tower and lined himself up with two of the sentries…breathing his acid weapon, he seared the flesh off their faces...but unfortunately, they did not die instantly…nor did they panic. Springing into action, the hobgoblins moved to defend themselves…except for one who ran to the old bell and began whacking it with his sword…bong…bong…bong… bong… bong…the strident sounds carried off across the otherwise quiet lake…so much for stealth (ah well…the best laid plans of mice and men—and dwarves, elves and dragon shamen). The battle high atop the Bell Tower turned into a hide and seek between Fraenir and the hobgoblins…they peeking over the sides and firing arrows…Fraenir hopping from wall to wall and popping up to breath acid…

Meanwhile, the rest of the party…equally startled by the toning of the bell…scanned the lake. Everywhere, we saw signs of the lizard men responding to the alarm…all appeared to be moving towards the largest building in the lake….some by boat…others by swimming. Clearly they were carrying out some pre-established strategy triggered by the alert. Obviously this larger building was the main focus of the enemy—the Bell Tower was simply an outpost. With the enemy clearly focused on the other structure, we opted to make our way to the Bell Tower to join the fight. Modifying our strategy enroute, we figured if we could take the Tower and then let things settle down, we could launch our attack on the main target from there. Rin, for one, did not want to be fighting lizard men from a boat in the water…a sentiment echoed by the stalwart but clearly not buoyant Sir Ector…and so we set off rowing…and rowing…and rowing…and rowing…(omg…how long does it take to get their!!!???)…

Back at the Bell Tower, the battle raged…arrows taking on acid in a major smack down…hobgoblins began to fall...their flesh eaten away…eyeballs dangling…Freanir too was taking damage...there were simply too many arrows to dodge. Mean while, we rowed…and rowed… and rowed… and rowed… and rowed… and rowed… and rowed… and rowed. Finally, Django got fed up with the slow pace of the canoe and decided to fly into the battle using his scroll. By luck of the draw, Daresh and Hortis were with him in his canoe…and so they got free rides as well…fortunately, there was no one around to hear the collective dwarven and elven expletives that streamed from Rin and Sir Ector as they realized that they were being consigned to a long, arduous paddle across the vast lake...in elven, even the expletives…thes…kyr pas air… mor thes kyda…seemed to spring from Rin’s lips like a gentle song as compared to the more deep toned bass of Sir Ector’s comments…nikh… shtath nikh pel kasht… ghac dar a dholec aruul'daan…if this were Ebberon, we could harness a fire elemental and really get some speed out of this bathtub!

Even in flight, the trek across the lake too some time…giving Django, Hortis and Daresh a grand view of the battle as the approached. Fraenir was locked in combat with the hobgoblins as more and more of them poured up out of the Bell Tower to the rooftop. The tide appeared to be turning in his favor, when he was stunned by the sudden appearance of a vicious hobgoblin immediately next to him…”I am Korkulan—Blade Bearer of the Red Hand of Boom—I will kill you all for daring to defy us!...Clearly this was no ordinary hobgoblin…he was well armed with two swords which he was obviously proficient with. His assault, however, was thrown off by the timely arrival of Django and his train of hangers-on. Hortis and Daresh launched fireballs at the tower. Though they were startled to see the first bend around some glyph of protection in a stunning display of magic on magic combat, they were able to tell that their powers had prevailed. The second fireball blasted through to the tower roof…taking out many of the enemy. The aerial combat raged…but the hobgoblins arrows were no match for the fireballs and magic missiles of our mages! With the newly arrived reinforcements, the hobgoblins were wiped out on the rooftop. Of Korkulan however, there was no sign…where had he gone…what was he planning…

Meanwhile, Rin and Sir Ector rowed on and on and on. Actually, it was mostly Sir Ector rowing…Rin kept getting distracted by his spyglass, watching the battle from afar and pondering his discussions with Killiar Swiftarrow about how to become an Order of the Oath Bow Initiate…ever the quick witted one, he would quickly dip his paddle into the water whenever Sir Ector turned around. And so as our evening drew to a close, our grand plan seemed to be somewhat in shambles. Clearly the lake was well alerted to our presence…the forces of the enemy were gathered at the main building…we were now largely in control of the Bell Tower (or so we think)…but with Korkulan still about—and we know he can go invisible.

Hobgoblns: http://www.mirf.ru/Articles/1/200/dd_hobgoblins.jpg

Lizardmen: http://pbem-portal.com/org/rpgrealms/ThunderCanyon/Graphics/lizardmen.gif

Fireball: http://www.slappy.net/bm/1999/man/fireball.JPG

The Assault on Rhest

After a short rest with the elves of Kirin Tor, we realized we had to press on to meet the impending threat of the Red Hand of Doom. Sellyria Starsinger, Trellara Nightshadow and Killiar Arrowswift recommended that we proceed to Rhest with all haste to uncover the source of the vicious Razorfiends and whatever other evil lurked within the ruins. Our new friends, the wild elves of Kirin Tor, provided us with lots of great information on the history of Elsir Vale and the ruins of Rhest—the most disturbing of which was the revelation that the city had been flooded to kill off the last goblinoid horde that had sacked the city. As we made our preparations for the campaign, it became clear that we would not be able to bring Sir Ector’s dire boar and Daresh’s trusty steed (though the image of a dire boar merrily swimming through the fens was quite amusing). Sir Ector tearfully bade his mount farewell—only agreeing to leave him behind with assurances that he would not be the guest of honor at the next elven loau. And so our intrepid band bid a fond adieu to our companion Gade Goodberries—the smallest member of the party with the biggest balls.

In our elven war canoes, we paddled through the hot stagnate Fens…insects buzzing all around us (fortunately no bore beetles!). Stopping only to camouflage our canoes, we made all haste towards Rhest. While the stronger members of our band put their backs into the paddling, Rin scanned the way ahead with his new prized possession—the spyglass loaned to us by the elves. Ahead we spied a lizard man encampment on the edges of the great lake surrounding Rhest and some sort of figures atop the largest building in the center of the flooded Rhest. In hushed whispers, we held a quick war council to decide our course of action. “Fireball em!”, advocated Django, “Just wipe em out!”; “No, stealth is the answer”, countered Fraenir, “Let’s skirt the far side of the river, and lay in a fog bank to obscure us—that way we can get to the center unobserved”. “Bah, sneaking in never works...the DM is omniscient”, scoffed Django. We voted and opted for stealth over blasting, so we quietly paddled along the far shore…passing outpost after outpost…our camouflage working time after time. As as drew near the encampment, Daresh laid in a fog bank opposite the lizard man encampment…while it obscured us, it apparently caught the attention of the lizard men as they had never seen such an atmospheric phenomenon. We overheard the excited voices and caught the sound of some of them sliding into the water to investigate. Django created a massive alligator in the water near us to scare off any that would approach us. Unfortunately, that is where our luck ran out…suddenly, six lizard men popped up on an island in front of us...there was no way to hide.

Django instantly blasted one with his longbow, burying an arrow deep in its shoulder. Rin joined in, dropping two of them with killing shots. Sir Ector and Daresh pappered them with arrows as well but those passed harmlessly by. Hortis launched an orb of electricity, but missed and hit the water, killing scores of fish instead (ummmm…dinner). The lizard men tried to attack us, but were distracted by the alligator illusion. Another round of volleys from our band wiped them out handily. Ahh sweet victory we thought…but our elation was short lived. Suddenly, our boats were rocked from below…Sir Ector, Django and Fraenir all fell over the sides; while Rin, Hortis and Daresh managed to keep their balance and hang on. Six more lizard men had attacked us from under the water—three against each of our war canoes!

Django, fighting from the wtare, launched his dancing sword to dual with the nearest lizard man. Daresh blasted one with a magic missile…the stench of burning flesh wafting into the air. Rin looking down from the canoe, shot point plank into the face of another…taking some damage in the exchange. The tide turned swiftly, however, when Fraenir maneuvered around the end of the canoe and breathed a line of acid all down the line of lizard men…Their flesh and eyes melted away from the faces…their tendons snapping as they writhed in agony…but it was over all too soon…their skeletal faces slipping beneath the murky fens as they joined the rotting vegetation on the floor of the fens. Sir Ector eliminated the last survivor with a critical hit…swing down from above and cleaving his head in two.

As the battle drew to a close, we believed we had not drawn the attention of anyone deeper in the flooded city of Rhest. Fraenir, mumbled in lizard man…”Ummm…nothing to see here…everyone go on home…it’s all over…no need to ring the alarm bell…”. Scanning the city one last time, we were able to determine that the figures on the large building in the middle were hobgoblins…setting up the battle for the next round….

Old Friends

Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go…

Where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see, our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows your name…

Mr. Tidbits, so wigged out by the rats that had tried to grabble him and pull him down the well to their vile lair, had run back to town to summon Ruttiger—the Rat Catcher. Vowing never to re-enter the dungeon until every rat had been exterminated, Mr. Tidbit’s refused to return with him. And so instead, he remained in town, working on some esoteric physics thing involving higher math like long division. Meanwhile, our intrepid band beat feet back to the rat room…hmmm, do we want to really do this? “Well, we’re certainly not going to throw a silver coin down the well”, said Lo Dic…so Perrier…not really paying attention, thought Lo Dic had said throw a cpoin down the well…so he did….presto, instant rats! Tons of minion rats…one big ass dire rat…Ruttiger the Rat Cather was in his element…he quickly wailed on one…spearing it through and through…then leap over the rat swarm to attack the dire rat leader. Pork Cullis blasted through one rat with his mighty battle axe, spewing rat guts and blood everywhere. Not to be outdone in the disgusting acts department, Lo Dic went Ozzie Osborne on one of the poor, innocent rodents rolled a successful grapple check…bit the poor thing’s head off…and spit it at the dire rat leader [ok…it’s a rabbit biting the head off a chicken…but you have to admit it is 1. interesting and 2. at least evocative of the act…ok, maybe it does look like something else, but only if you have a dirty mind…]. Perrier, caught up in the moment, produced a flame and waved it over his head…thinking “wow, what an awesome concert this is...what’s that smell??” Then the fight got confusing…everyone trading blows and bites…shrugging off disease…until finally we triumphed…all the vile rats were dead. And then a great cry of anguish was heard...”oh noooooooooooooooo…..I forgot to “catch any” moaned Ruttiger.

Obviously this was great evil temple in the making…rough hewn sections…the well polished room…if only we could identify the etching in work (maybe we shouldn’t have killed the undead artist before his second life was over…)…who is that figure?…seems naggingly familiar…but just can’t place it…like its hanging their right on the outer edges of our memories…teasing us. And so, we shrugged our shoulders (resigned to the fact that all would be revealed in its proper time…it always is…such is the comfort of having a DM…) and headed further down deeper into the dungeon. Our wise leader Star Owl (full name Mas Orn sar thor col ail si shaerorer bol mia eistyl si caelael …which means Star Owl that flies high in the beautiful night sky amongst the heavens) decided that we should proceed down the long passageway—which was the only path we had not yet investigated. “How does he do that” Pork Cullis marveled, “He’s so smart, I never would have thought of that…”. “Well no duh”, muttered Loe Dic to himself, “anyone could have called that one, you can see the flow of the stone work…clearly this is meant to funnel people to the lower level. Elves…always think they are so smart”. “Ouch”, thought the startled Ruttiger, “Who just hit my head with an iron frying pan??!!” Clearly the years of spousal abuse had left him traumatized.

Then we happened upon an area of completed stone work. A large iron bound door blocked our way. After fruitless searches and listening, we gave up and opened the door. Aha! An evil temple…rows of statues of Gorgotha filled the chamber. If only this were D&D and we had ranks in knowledge arcana…or religion…or local…or something. Deploying in combat formation, we quickly spread throughout the room looking for action…and there it was…a huge snake slithering down the center of the room. And then battle was on…ranged weapons peppering from afar…melee fighters wading in to trade blow for blow. Then suddenly we were faced with three other snakes that spread throughout the room. Pork Cullis lasted one…smugly stating “That’s a DC 23 for the saving throw”…”I know I don’t need to keep saying it; but it is so satisfying…”. Perrier and Star Owl fought their own battles…Perrier happily singing away as he did

“O may Thy soldiers, faithful, true and bold,

Fight as the saints who nobly fought of old,

And win with them the victor’s crown of gold.

Alleluia, Alleluia!

And when the strife is fierce, the warfare long,

Steals on the ear the distant triumph song,

And hearts are brave, again, and arms are strong.

Alleluia, Alleluia!

Star Owl...now revealed as the mighty warrior that he was…turned his snake into a long pin cushion. Back in the major battle, things were not progressing well. Ruttiger scored a near critical hit, only to be grappled by the snake and almost staggered, stun, and disabled. Pork Cullis and Lo Dic simultaneously raised their axes…gaining additional attack bonuses using the dreaded “arm pit hair and smell attack”…and finally, the last snake was defeated. Star Owl, wanting harmony in the world, quickly healed Ruttiger. In the sudden silence of the post-battle, we gazed about the vile chamber…wondering who would have created a tribute to such a vile goddess as Gorgotha??? Failing to find any treasure in the room, we moved to the double doors at the far end…readying our actions, we swung them open…revealing the unholy alter chamber and two figures…

Slowly they turned…one, clearly a priest…though not quite right…too pale to be living (hmmm…and honestly, kind of flat)….he looked vaguely familiar, but still we couldn’t noodle it through. His apparent minion however looked very familiar…an undead bug bear zombie…”Oh yeah, just like the General…OMG!!! Look!!! It is the General…they put him back together! Then the unholy priest spoke, “You have killed my undead army!” [which then sparked a vigorous discussion between Pork Cullis and Perrier…army? That was no army…a couple of dozen zombie…a platoon maybe…really more like a squad heavy…but an army?? Come on]. “I am the favorite of Gorgotha, bow before her and Serve Meeeeeeeeeee”…OMG again….it’s Ubberoth! “Die foul blasphemer!” cried Star Owl, launching and arrow true and straight into the priest. Thinking the undead Ubberoth was the primary threat, we circled him and put the hurt on him. When we almost had him down, he suddenly launched some cyber-mind attack on Lo Dic…threatening to blew his head apart. Fortunately, a timely blow by…ummm, someone…killed the priest again. But the battle with our former friend the General was to prove no picnic. Despite being surrounded, he survived blow after blow…how can we kill this guy???!!! Where’s a hill giant when you need one???!!! Pork Cullis, swaggering in like the massive half-orc that he is, thought he was going to plaster the general…only to be plastered himself…unconscious and dying. Fortunately, Perrier (self loathing though he may be…) is a healing priest and he pulled Pork back from the edge of death. Then poor Ruttiger got blasted. Finally, Star Owl barreled into the room…torch in hand…and set the General afire. Perrier…recognizing the opportunity…cast Increase Fire and immolated the General…sheathing him in a curtain of flame…finally, between the fire and the thousands of cuts”, we brought the general to his knees…once again returning him to the peaceful death he had long sought.

What are those zombies up to?

Curious, we gathered for our night of adventuring…no D&D this…d20 we would now play…we poked at our new character sheets as Paul explained the system…no stats?...we have skills…and feats…what kind of character am I?...being Americans of course, we could stand only so much introduction before we just had to say ok…enough…let’s just play and we’ll figure it out as we go along!

And so our intrepid party of adventurers met up in a random bar (déjà vu Mark noted), and eagerly set out to seek their fame and fortune. Full of piss and vinegar, we heartily strode through the country-side confident that we could best any challenge. Bolstered by the obvious strength of our band, we dared the forces of evil to attack us. Undaunted, we traveled the hills and dales ready to root out whatever scourge may darken the countryside. By the fifth day, we began to wonder if there were any scourges…”ain’t ya got a vile villain or two?...maybe a evil ogre?...a dragon, doesn’t matter if it’s a little one, a large lizard even?...surely some brigand band is out and about!...but no…all just seemed too peaceful…until, that is, we arrived in the town of XXXX (whatever its name was). There the townsfolk were apprehensive. Strange goings on they said. Bodies disappearing from the graveyard. Peoples who were supposed to be dead seen walking around at night…I swears, saw my uncle Octavian I did. He died in a tragic kiln explosion; two nights after we buried him I saw him walking through town!. “Aha”, we chorused, “deviltry afoot! Just the thing for our daring band to tackle. How much will you good townsfolk pay us to lay low these foul beasts?” And then it started, oh woe is us…we are but poor village folk…you should see my mortgage…the braces…tuition…my mother’s nursing care…blah, blah, blah. Curious, we asked them if the knew Duke; but they professed ignorance.

Quickly realizing we were wasting our time negotiating for payment, we opted to make our fortunes on treasure recouped from whatever monsters we slew. And so we hasten to the graveyard…stationing ourselves throughout the hallowed grounds. It was a full moon of course; casting a bright but eerie glow that glinted off the tombstones. Long about midnight, we heard an odd sound…clink…scrape…scuffle…clink…scrape…scuffle…a group of four figures slowly made their way into the graveyard and sought out a freshly filled grave. As they raised their shovels to dig, Mark cried out “What ho miscreants!” Surprisingly, they paid him no heed. So we attacked…[which of course generated lots of discussion as we had to be convinced that we only needed a d20…no other dice…but they all match, see!!...doesn’t matter, you only roll one die…grumble, grumble, it’s like buying all those 3.5 books and then they go put out 4.0]. And so the fight was on… bang, bash, bat, belt, bludgeon, bop, bust, clap, clobber, clout, crack, hammer, knock, paste, pound, punch, rap, slam, slap, slog, slug, smack, smite, sock, strike, swat, swipe, thump, thwack, wallop, whack, whale, zap…hmmm…this new system is interesting…you can get wasted in one blow with this whole stunning thing…and the saving throw, that increases the pucker factor just a bit. Of course the forces of good triumphed and we laid waste to the four zombies. Which of course meant that we still did not know why they were doing this…who had sent them on this foul mission…for what nefarious motive where they digging up new corpses??? Unfortunately, it was only then that we realized that perhaps it would have been a better plan to have followed them back to their lair before killing them…oh well…no problem, we’ll just track them back…ok, who has tracking as a skill…not me…not I…nope…I have no skills…hmmm, think it was the rat catcher…and he’s not here…drat!...fortunately, the zombies had been dragging their shovels and making no effort to cover their tracks, so it was determined that even us poor, untrained folk could track them back to their lair (of course this was not before Devina claimed our treasure—several articles of zombie clothes…ummmmm…stylin! [what will the villagers think of those naked zombies in the grave yard?

Of course the trail led us underground, where we heard the distant sound of pick axes on stone. Skulking slowly and quietly along, we snuck up on a scene from the depths of hell. A work party of zombies was toiling away in a room…urge on by a lizard man of some sort. Quickly sizing up the situation, we laid out a plan of attack…though Guy argued for the subtlety of the “barge in and clobber ‘em” approach, the proponents of the “turn the lizard man into a pin cushion” attack won out (only because we could fire faster). The missile approach proved interesting as our bolts and arrows not only wounded the beast, but under this new system, they stunned him and effectively took him out of the fight. Though his zombie minions turned and attacked us, they were no match for our finely honed combat powers. After making short work of them (thanks to the new “minion rule”…BTW, minions suck, don’t ever buy those!), we were poised to deliver a coup de grace on the lizard man when Mark opted to heal him instead…what did you do that for, I wanted to kill him Guy muttered. So we can question him and find out what’s going on answered Mark, clearly very impressed with his cleverness. Ok, lizard man, tell us everything or we’ll kill you all over again. Obviously fearful for his life, he readily answered…hisssssssssss…hissssssssssssss…hisssssssssssssssss…hissssssssssss…ummmm, anyone speak lizard? Nope. Chop!

This scene was repeated one more time as we ventured further into the dungeon and came across another lizard man and his zombie minions. Clearly this was the higher skilled set of zombies as they were working on the finer touches to what appeared to be a evil temple of some sort. Again, peppering the lizard man with ranged weapons we neutralized his role in the battle. Sam, though grumbling at playing a cleric, cast rage on Guy’s character [ok, so I get tired when I use magic…I need a bed roll]…only to find out that rage in d20 is nowhere near as effective as rage in 3.5. This battle yielded the highlight of the evening, as Mark failed his saving throw…nonchalant roll, casual glance at the result, eyes bug out, face recoils in horror…it’s a 1!!! DOH!!!…fortunately it was not a deadly result and he recovered. Despite our set backs, we managed to wipe out this work party as well. And then set about searching for our well earned treasure. Finding a small back room with two beds, we knew we had hit pay dirt…Devina viscously attacked the mattresses…ripping them to shreds. They always hide their treasure in the mattress she said…that’s what I do!...but to no avail…no treasure to be had…hmmmm, what about this well over here…maybe it’s down there…

Tentatively we peered down into the well…the rough hewn stone plunged as deep as we could see…consumed by the darkness…how far did it go we wondered…Devina, always willing to take a gamble…dropped a silver piece (which she noted…is equal to 10 copper pieces, or 1/10th of a gold piece). We listened as the coin pinged off the sides of the well…the sounds getting more and more muffled as it fell. Before we heard it hit bottom however, the noise was overpowered by a rising squeaking sound…whatever could that be…why do the walls of the well look like they are moving??? OMG….it’s RATS!!!!!...where’s the Rat Catcher when you need him!!!!! Thankfully, we had torches aplenty and waving them wildly over the top of the well we were able to send the rat horde scurrying back on itself…as rat turned on rat however, the scene turned ugly…unable to maintain a foothold, many of the rats fell to their deaths…their small bodies hurtling to the bottom of the well and impacting with sickening thud after sickening thud…whomp, splat, squish, gurgle, squeal,

And so our night was brought to a close…not much to show for our toils but a lot of squished rats guts and some smelly clothes…maybe we can sell our other dice on eBay…